Cancer survivor.... I think.

I just finished my chemo treatment for skin cancer two days ago and man was that a wild ride....

Six months ago I went into the dermatologist's office because I knew I had one cancer spot on my face. I knew it was cancer because it never healed... it would look like a pimple and then would crust over like a scab and bleed a little then repeat.... Well I had it for about 8 months before I knew myself it was cancer then I waited another 2 years to have it checked because... I was scared. dumb.

After I healed from my surgery I was told I needed to do chemo to kill all my pre-cancer. For one month I had to apply a topical chemo cream to my face once in the morning and then again at night before I went to bed. Nothing happened for about two weeks and then like some kind of evil magic I looked like I dumped hot oil on my face....

Welts started appearing on the sides of my nose first which wasn't too bad, it was like having a really bad cold and only having paper towels to wipe your nose with, but after the 3rd week I was in total pain. I am in no way complaining because I finished my treatment and am thankful that I caught it all before I had to have more surgeries to have it all removed.

I missed having my baby be able to touch my face and giving her kisses without fear of her touching this toxic cream and getting it on her face. The sun made me feel like a vampire!!! When the sun was directly on my face I literally was in pain like I would catch into a big mass of burning flames and turn into dust. I found myself vomiting and would get random nose bleeds. I was exhausted all the time and just didn't feel like myself which I of coarse expected to happen but things always stink a little more when your actually doing them instead of mentally preparing yourself for them =)

These "spots" or "scabs" look like severe acne from a distance and I have gotten so many disgusted looks and know people talk about me when I'm at the store... gives me a new perspective on people that look different that I see... I have always tried to be compassionate and not to stare and have taught my daughter to do the same though it's a very difficult thing for 2 year olds to do, lol.

I have had people tell me that I should wear makeup to cover it up so I don't scare children during my photo shoots but I can't because it can cause an infection..... through it all I kept a smile on my face.

Luckily for me I have a loving family and friends and wonderful clients that stood by my side and kept me incredibly busy the entire treatment time so I didn't have a chance to sit and dwell on everything and feel sorry for myself. I don't know what I would have done if I would have been left at home all day every day like I had planned when I first found out I had to do chemo. I have received many messages over my treatment coarse telling me of alternate treatments and how chemo is poison and can actually kill you faster than some of the organic remedies, though harsh I don't think my topical chemo is as hard core as the other types of chemo. And it got me thinking.... how does someone decide what to do?

My cancer was pretty easy to treat and made me funny looking but what does someone with liver cancer do? Someone with lung cancer? They know how harsh their treatments will be and that it could kill them... do they do chemo? Do they do the organic remedies and just hope that all the online research is true and that God will pull them through? I am a God fearing and loving woman but I'm not sure that I would be ok with just leaving my life up to this new research and prayers, as horrible as that sounds.

On one hand chemo has worked for some and on the other hand I have read endless testimonies about people dying from the chemo alone. I imagine doctors make a killing off of it too.... no pun intended. I had a checkup 2 days ago and my dr told me that she wants me to do another round of chemo in 2 months to make sure I have killed all the cancer on my face. If this doesn't work I will have surgery on my face yet again and I am very torn on how to feel about this.

I am facing at least a month of healing for these sores to heal and then I will have a burned/red look on my skin for about a year already.... I would like to hear your thoughts on this subject... am I really off??? But hey... I can hug and kiss on my baby now =)