Perfect Parenting Misperception

I put out some really personal information on my social networking sites this past week.  My husband is seeking mental health treatment and I shared it with my Instagram feed and eventually my Facebook friends.  Most people were surprised because I hadn’t mentioned us having any issues and I definitely hadn’t mentioned that I had moved out for a week and was staying with a friend!  I was concerned about this being seen as “oversharing” but the support we both received was phenomenal.  Many of my friends came forward and shared their own experiences and for one day it seemed like Facebook had been transformed into an environment of positive support instead of the negative site everyone seems to complain about.  That got me really reflecting on what image I’m sending out, both as a spouse and a parent.

Something that has always bothered me about some “moms groups” is the inability to honestly open up and share the hard times with the good.  It’s very common to see first milestones, family celebrations, and lots of positive moments shared with others, but not always the bad moments.  I worry that this leads other moms to feel like they’re alone when they are experiencing normal rough days with the kids.  While I was talking with two friends at the gym about my husband, one of them commented that she was surprised I was under any stress because I always seem so calm and patient, particularly with my 16-month old, Pistol.  It actually took me back because I feel soo far from “calm and patient” especially with Pistol.  She’s the youngest and loudest of four girls, she doesn’t seem to have a single people pleasing bone in her body, she is a rule maker and not a rule follower, and I’m constantly correcting her over and over (and over) for the same things!  My friend actually expressed that she felt like a “bad mom” because of how comparatively calm I am. 

There’s not a perfect parent on the planet and I don’t think there’s a perfect way to parent.  I do think that if you have an emotional attachment to anyone then that relationship will cause you stress.  Who could you possibly have more emotional attachment and investment in than your own children made from your mold?  It seems that if you are an involved parent, you will have a strong emotional relationship with your child for better or worse and both ends of that spectrum are stressful.  Firsts and milestones are overwhelmingly emotional at times!  Some moms cry at the first step, dads melt at the first, “I love you”, everyone bawls their parental eyes out when it’s time for college and marriage.  These are happy moments but they’re stressful because of the emotion you have invested in that little being making all these big steps!  On the other end of it temper tantrums, “NO”s, and regular day to day life will cause you stress.  How much stress and how you handle that stress is completely up to you, but there is no parent, who is actively parenting their child, that avoids these stressors.  Just as much as we share the positive we shouldn’t be hiding the negative, especially not from our support systems.  Whether it be friends, family, or social networking if you have a support system they are there for your day to day stressors just as much as your big crisis. 

I definitely have not been attempting to project any image of perfection and definitely did not expect other moms to compare themselves to me based on 5 minute snippets of my life.  That being said, I had been comparing myself to other moms based on brief snippets of their day to day life.  I have a friend pregnant with her fifth child who can spend an hour vacuuming, watch my child drag a bag of chips upside down across her carpet, and this SuperMom of a woman will barely raise her eyebrow as she says, “Pistol, are you being naughty?  It’s okay” followed by laughter and more vacuuming. That’s an actual quote from her in times that have me red faced, barely breathing, and on the edge of a nervous breakdown.  So here I am feeling like an emotionally unstable parent and others are looking at me at the epitomy of calm parenting and I’m just left dumbfounded on it all.

My point in all of this is that while no one wants to be a “Debbie Downer” we should share our downs as easily as we share our ups.  Maybe not to the same groups of people but to someone!  If you could just briefly share with one of those “perfect moms” in your life, “Man, it really gets at me when Jack throws the ball inside after the 400^th time I’ve said “No ball inside!”” then you might have something shared with you!  You might hear that your “perfect mom” has the same issue or a similar one with her kids.  You might get some great tips or at least a different perspective.  At the very least, I would expect that you sharing that you are not perfect and that you get stressed will give you a sense of relief and you will find others who are willing to talk to you and help normalize those times when you feel like the worst mom in the world.  I actually think being concerned enough to wonder what type of parent you are and to realize you aren’t perfect is a HUGE sign of being a great parent.  Parenting is stressful and there’s no one who escapes the stressors of such an intensely emotional relationship.  Finding a system of support where others will talk honestly with you about their bad moments and their good ones can definitely make any struggle a little easier!